Pronouns 101

By Suemita Teeluck

What are pronouns? Pronouns are the most common way that people refer to one another outside of using proper names. While you may be inclined to choose someone's pronouns for them, assuming you know how another person wants to be addressed can be a faulty proposition. It can also be a cause of unintentional harm (and great harm at that).

Everyone has the right to decide what pronouns they go by, and it's everyone else's responsibility to use those pronouns correctly. We all want and deserve, to feel seen. Using correct pronouns is an easy way to validate others.

Why The Word "Preferred" Doesn't Apply to Pronouns?

If you've looked into the subject of pronoun use in the past, you may have encountered the word "preferred" as a prefix to pronouns, as in the question "What are your preferred pronouns?" However, it's best that this word is avoided when discussing pronouns. Preferences tend to indicate that one is choosing something, whereas identity is not a choice. "What are your pronouns?" is the appropriate question to ask others, and, "My pronouns are..." is the best way to share your own.

She/Her/Hers/Herself The usage of she/her pronouns is commonly associated with women. However, a person may choose to use she/her pronouns even if their gender is not female. If a person's pronouns are she/her, you would refer to them in ways such as, "She left her book on the counter," or, "She went to her house herself."

He/Him/His/Himself The usage of he/him pronouns is commonly associated with men. Similar to how it shouldn't be assumed that someone who uses she/her pronouns is a woman, a person may use he/him pronouns without being a man. To use he/him pronouns, sentences about that person would sound like, "He left his book on the counter," or, "He went to his house himself."

They/Them/Theirs/Themself There's a misconception that the usage of they/them personal pronouns is new, or that it is grammatically incorrect to refer to a singular human as they. Both of these notions are false. Historically, they/them has been used in situations where a person's gender is unknown, as in, "Someone left their hat, do you think they need it?" Usage of they/them pronouns in the personal setting would be, "They left their book on the counter," or, "They went to their house themself."

Neopronouns Neopronouns are a category of pronouns that specifically don't connotate any gender, and that also don't have the historical plural usage of they/them. The usage of pronouns that do not denote gender is a growing movement. Some people, like this person, dedicate their social media accounts to helping others learn pronoun usage, including neopronouns.

Neopronouns include: ze/zir/zirself, ei/em/eir/eirself, and ne/nir/nemself. You would use these pronouns exactly as you would others. For example, for the pronouns ei/em, you'd say, "Ei left eir book on the counter," or, "Ei went to eir house eirself."

Fun Fact: Pronouns have always existed! According to them.us, “The singular “they” was common until the Victorian era, when gender-neutral pronouns defaulted to “he” as encompassing both the masculine and feminine. People recognized the limits of “he” and argued that it was insufficient — anyone who read “he” would immediately think of men, and not women.

The pronoun “hir” was coined in1920 by a newspaper in California, The Sacarmento Bee. They tried using that off and on from the 1920s through the 1940s.

“Ze”, often assumed to be a more recently coined term, was created by the “a writer identified only as J.W.L.” in 1864. In 1865, an American composer named Charles Crozat Converse invented the pronoun “thon” (short for “that one”), which even made it into well-regarded dictionaries – Funk and Wagnalls’ Standard dictionary in1903, and Webster’s Second New International Dictionary in 1934 – but never caught on on popular usage.”

Why are pronouns important? If a person has never had to worry about which pronoun others use to refer to them, gender pronouns might not seem important. For most people, their pronouns simply aren't a big part of their experience. But for people who are constantly questioned or misgendered, the experience can leave them feeling excluded and alienated.

You simply can't tell what someone's gender pronouns are by looking at them. Asking for, remembering, and using someone's pronouns is a positive way to support people.

What Correct Pronoun Use Accomplishes When we ask others what pronouns they use and then we honour them in conversation, we are conveying respect. We are also conveying inclusivity. For people who are not cisgender, this is particularly important.

If you are a cisgender person, you likely have not ever experienced the stress of not being perceived as the gender you are. But for anyone who is not cisgender, this is an all too common occurrence.

People who are transgender, gender nonconforming, nonbinary, and/or gender fluid experience a disproportionate amount of adversity and hardship on the subject of their gender. Often, non-cis people are victims of violence because of their gender. That means that even though pronouns aren't necessarily an important topic to cis people, to non-cis people it is a topic that heavily impacts their lives, and the usage of incorrect pronouns is yet one more act of violence against them.

We have a long way to go as a society to make non-cis people feel as safe moving through life as cis people feel. Using the correct pronouns for trans, gender nonconforming, nonbinary, and gender-fluid people is the easiest first step in this direction that cis people can take. The act of using correct pronouns serves to show others that you see them for who they are, and creates safety for them. (Please note that you don’t have to be queer to self-identify or use differing pronouns!)

The Harm Of Incorrect Pronoun Use You refer to people by the names they go by because everyone deserves that common decency. In that same vein, it's equally unacceptable to call someone by a different pronoun than the one(s) they use.

Pronouns are identifiers just like names. If you don't think a person's name suits them, it isn’t your place to say so (nor does it matter).

The same holds true for pronouns. When a person has told you their pronouns, any feelings you may have about it is simply null and void.

While it may seem like a small matter to you, using the wrong pronouns for a person can be detrimental for their mental and emotional wellness. A person who has been misgendered is invalidated and alienated from others. Additionally, incorrect pronoun use can increase that person's dysphoria, further complicating and even potentially harming their relationship with their body and themself overall.

What to Do If You Misgender Someone Collaborate Consulting uses an acronym to help people remember how to respond in a situation where they have accidentally used incorrect pronouns and/or misgendered someone. If you have made a mistake about a person's pronouns, employ the A.C.M. method:

Apologize Briefly The first step to take when you have referred to someone by the wrong pronoun is to acknowledge it. Doing so makes it clear that you understand you've made a mistake. However, once you have apologized briefly you should immediately head to the next step. Spending time wallowing in your mistake, expressing that the correct pronoun usage is difficult for you, and/or continuing on in any way that shifts the emotional labor onto the other person isn't helpful. Your mistake is yours, so don't make anyone else have to do any work around it.

An example of an appropriate step after realizing your mistake would be, "I apologize, I said he and that person's pronouns aren't he/him."

Additionally, if someone has pointed out your mistake, it's a good idea to thank them for doing that. Informing others of their mistakes is hard, especially when that mistake is about personal identity. The act of thanking someone for pointing out your error acknowledges that they put in that work for you.

Correct Once you've acknowledged your error, immediately use the correct pronoun. This step is also very quick, and nothing further is needed other than the correction. An example of how to express it is, "Her pronouns are she/her. She went to the bank."

Move On Lastly, once you have apologized and corrected the situation, you can move on from it right away. There's no discussion or processing about the issue needed (unless it’s indicated by the person you’ve misgendered!). Just continue with the conversation right where it left off, and let everyone digest what happened without further commentary.

Tips for gender-neutral language Practice! Use gender-neutral pronouns such as “they” and “ze” while visualizing the person who uses them. This is especially useful to do right before you’re about to see the person. When addressing groups of people or people whose pronouns you haven’t been told or know, use gender-neutral language (such as “siblings”, friends, “folks”, “all”, “students”, “y’all” as opposed to “brothers/sisters”, “boys/girls”, “ma’am/sir”.

Practice using more descriptive language if you don’t know a person’s gender, pronouns, or name! (For example: “This is for the person at the back with a white shirt and black short hair”).

Like any new skill, within a short amount of time, you'll have made some progress. Eventually, it will be second nature for you and won't feel difficult at all. Mastering correct pronoun usage is a great first step to understanding more about gender identity.

You don't have to be queer to self-identify! While gender-neutral pronouns are often used by genderqueer and gender non-conforming individuals, you don’t have to identify as such to use them! Cisgender allies can help by normalizing the behaviour of self-identifying to avoid misgendering. You can do this by adding self-expression to your written and social identity (add your pronouns to your emails, texts, social media, etc.) and introducing yourself in full (e.g. “I am For Change, my pronouns are they/them/thiers and I live in Trinidad and Tobago.”)

And Remember… -Pronouns are about people. Like people, pronouns can be diverse and completely individual. -Don’t assume what someone’s pronouns are based on how they look or how you perceive their gender. Pronouns do not equal gender! -Often, people make assumptions about the gender of another person based on the person’s appearance or name. These assumptions aren’t always correct, and the act of making these quick assumptions (regardless if they end up being right) sends a potentially harmful message – that people have to look or perform a certain way or prove the gender that they are or are not. -To some, pronouns can be incredibly personal and important. Learning about pronouns is an act of respecting someone as a human being. -Some people do not identify with any gender or align to pronouns at all. If you meet someone who doesn't use pronouns, use their name!

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How to be an LGBTQ+ ally in the Workplace. Zippia. (n.d.). Retrieved June 9, 2022, from https://www.zippia.com/advice/lgbtq-ally-workplace/

How to use pronouns appropriately. Maryland Today. (n.d.). Retrieved June 9, 2022, from https://today.umd.edu/how-use-pronouns-appropriately-fad1b19c-4ff9-4ed0-9cf1-7494c4ea7707

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Participate in a conversation on gender and pronouns: Life at the U: Faculty and staff news: University of Miami. Life at the U | Faculty and Staff News | University of Miami. (n.d.). Retrieved June 9, 2022, from https://news.miami.edu/life/stories/2021/06/gender-pronouns.html

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Tanzim Pardiwalla August 1, 2019. (2019, August 1). Wondering what pronoun to use to greet your queer friends? Twitter has creative ideas! Mashable India. Retrieved June 9, 2022, from https://in.mashable.com/culture/5381/wondering-what-pronoun-to-use-to-greetyour-queer-friends-twitter-has-creative-ideas